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cailjSo I have to be at the computer for various reasons tonight, and I figured I'd throw down some thoughts I've been a'thinking as well.
Last night I was talking with the Doc about relationships and sacrifices and things we do because we love people or like them or simply want them to be happy. And of course this made me think of Mark. Well, pretty much everything makes me think of Mark in some way or another.
Last week and today, Mark worked at the same office I did. And alllllll the women in the office could not stop talking about him. They were especially forthcoming before they knew he was my fiance. Talking about how cute he was and how sweet and how handsome and sexy and polite and charming and charismatic and etc. And then, once they found out, it was all "Don't you dare let him go" and "there are very few nice guys like that out there" and today's gem was Patrice saying, "I'm an old broad, and I know. Guys like him are one in a million. Don't ever let him get away."
I mean, not like I have any plans to let him get away or anything. It's just amusing.
But back to sacrifice and stuff. One of the things that makes Mark and I's relationship as amazing as it is is the fact that the other's happiness is paramount to our own. In other words, I'm happiest when he's happy and he's happiest when I'm happy, and so we both go out of our way to make the other happy while at the same time knowing that our happiness makes the other happy, so we don't actually neglect ourselves. Convoluted, but it should make sense.
But there are some things that he does because he knows I like it, and things I do because I know /he/ likes it. I have no desire to play computer games, but I give lots of them a chance so that we can find ones that are fun to play together, because I know that he likes that. He has various kinds of Asian food with me on a regular basis, despite not really liking Asian, because he likes the way I smile and play when I'm getting what I want.
Mark and I have had maybe three serious issues pop up for us in the two years he's been living here, and all of them were dealt with immediately and do not linger. We both came to the realization that there are things that just don't matter in the long run. To use an example that Doc and I talked about last night, if I wanted to go home and see my family and I wanted Mark to go, but Mark couldn't stand my family, he'd come with me anyway, and never hold it against me or be resentful of the fact that he had to be around them -- because of how he feels about me. Because he'd make the best of it no matter what, and enjoy being with me. It's all about figuring out what makes the other person happy and simply doing it -- not arguing about why it's not enjoyable or why it sucks to have to do it. Sure, Mark would always understand if I said I didn't want to do something -- but, in part, that's why I do it. If he's going to be cool enough to understand, then I can swallow my distaste and do something I don't like, and hell, even force myself to enjoy it a little. :)
But I think that's what relationships are about. Give and take. Caring enough to put someone else's happiness above your own, without sacrificing your own. There's a line there, I know. But once you figure out how to manage that line, it's all cake.
So this weekend there was almost much play. Only, it wouldn't have been play. Not in the sense of the word that I usually mean it. B called me, hungry for something she couldn't even name. Hungry for me to force her. Hungry for me to make her get what she needs. And so I told her to come to me. And at the last minute, she couldn't do it. She called, she cried, we talked. And I told her that she wouldn't get many such chances if she kept pulling out. I'm pretty sure that the next time she calls me with that tone of begging just underneath the surface, she's going to come when I tell her to come and crawl when I tell her to crawl, and finally get over this fear thing. Well, she'll have other things to fear, but at least she'll have gotten what she needs.
But it put me into a Dom place. A place I don't get to visit very often because of the busy-ness of my life. And because of my relationship with D.
I've slipped very easily and very happily into my role as his Little Girl. It's an easy place to be (most of the time... well, some of the time), and it's a place that feels right. But it's not the only place for me, and it really /can't/ be the only place. Because when I had the almost-opportunity this weekend, I was in Dom space faster than most people could imagine. It's there. Waiting to happen. Right below the surface. Hungry to get out.
Which all sounds so very melodramatic, doesn't it? :) I guess even I get to go to the Melodrama Place occasionally.
Mark and I spend a lot of time feeding each other's fantasies. We fill them about as quickly as we can come up with them, and we can come up with some pretty big ones. Occasionally there is a moment of "wait, do I really mean this" or "hm, I think this might be a little too much even for me," but in general it's all just a game that makes the sex incredible. And frequent. (I love frequent and incredible sex, just sayin'.)
Sometimes, when it's been four days, and I'm feeling antsy, I have to remind myself... it's only been /four days/, not four weeks. I should consider myself lucky compared to some people. And y'know, I /am/ lucky. Goddamn lucky.
I got my formal "come join the staff" letter. And they're paying me 3K more than I thought. And it starts in July, which means health insurance soon! And they're letting me teach a senior level lit course in the spring! A special topics one at that! And I've applied to another conference. This one on sexuality in literature. Of course, I proposed the chapter on Lee Smith, and I haven't /written/ that chapter yet. And the woman reading the entries is a Lee Smith specialist. It could be a disaster, it could be the very thing that motivates me to write that chapter.
Mark got a nice job that will last 8 weeks, and so I will be able to take some time off later this summer to work on the dissertation. We won't talk about the dissertation beyond that. :)
But we're set for a while, money-wise. It feels nice. Soon I will have wedding invitations and dress fabrics and other groovy wedding stuffs.
All in all, I'm ready for September to be here. But it's going to be an interesting year. Married in November. PhD in April. Honeymoon in June. Hopefully new job and the start of a new career by August. Here's to hoping it all works!
Last night I was talking with the Doc about relationships and sacrifices and things we do because we love people or like them or simply want them to be happy. And of course this made me think of Mark. Well, pretty much everything makes me think of Mark in some way or another.
Last week and today, Mark worked at the same office I did. And alllllll the women in the office could not stop talking about him. They were especially forthcoming before they knew he was my fiance. Talking about how cute he was and how sweet and how handsome and sexy and polite and charming and charismatic and etc. And then, once they found out, it was all "Don't you dare let him go" and "there are very few nice guys like that out there" and today's gem was Patrice saying, "I'm an old broad, and I know. Guys like him are one in a million. Don't ever let him get away."
I mean, not like I have any plans to let him get away or anything. It's just amusing.
But back to sacrifice and stuff. One of the things that makes Mark and I's relationship as amazing as it is is the fact that the other's happiness is paramount to our own. In other words, I'm happiest when he's happy and he's happiest when I'm happy, and so we both go out of our way to make the other happy while at the same time knowing that our happiness makes the other happy, so we don't actually neglect ourselves. Convoluted, but it should make sense.
But there are some things that he does because he knows I like it, and things I do because I know /he/ likes it. I have no desire to play computer games, but I give lots of them a chance so that we can find ones that are fun to play together, because I know that he likes that. He has various kinds of Asian food with me on a regular basis, despite not really liking Asian, because he likes the way I smile and play when I'm getting what I want.
Mark and I have had maybe three serious issues pop up for us in the two years he's been living here, and all of them were dealt with immediately and do not linger. We both came to the realization that there are things that just don't matter in the long run. To use an example that Doc and I talked about last night, if I wanted to go home and see my family and I wanted Mark to go, but Mark couldn't stand my family, he'd come with me anyway, and never hold it against me or be resentful of the fact that he had to be around them -- because of how he feels about me. Because he'd make the best of it no matter what, and enjoy being with me. It's all about figuring out what makes the other person happy and simply doing it -- not arguing about why it's not enjoyable or why it sucks to have to do it. Sure, Mark would always understand if I said I didn't want to do something -- but, in part, that's why I do it. If he's going to be cool enough to understand, then I can swallow my distaste and do something I don't like, and hell, even force myself to enjoy it a little. :)
But I think that's what relationships are about. Give and take. Caring enough to put someone else's happiness above your own, without sacrificing your own. There's a line there, I know. But once you figure out how to manage that line, it's all cake.
So this weekend there was almost much play. Only, it wouldn't have been play. Not in the sense of the word that I usually mean it. B called me, hungry for something she couldn't even name. Hungry for me to force her. Hungry for me to make her get what she needs. And so I told her to come to me. And at the last minute, she couldn't do it. She called, she cried, we talked. And I told her that she wouldn't get many such chances if she kept pulling out. I'm pretty sure that the next time she calls me with that tone of begging just underneath the surface, she's going to come when I tell her to come and crawl when I tell her to crawl, and finally get over this fear thing. Well, she'll have other things to fear, but at least she'll have gotten what she needs.
But it put me into a Dom place. A place I don't get to visit very often because of the busy-ness of my life. And because of my relationship with D.
I've slipped very easily and very happily into my role as his Little Girl. It's an easy place to be (most of the time... well, some of the time), and it's a place that feels right. But it's not the only place for me, and it really /can't/ be the only place. Because when I had the almost-opportunity this weekend, I was in Dom space faster than most people could imagine. It's there. Waiting to happen. Right below the surface. Hungry to get out.
Which all sounds so very melodramatic, doesn't it? :) I guess even I get to go to the Melodrama Place occasionally.
Mark and I spend a lot of time feeding each other's fantasies. We fill them about as quickly as we can come up with them, and we can come up with some pretty big ones. Occasionally there is a moment of "wait, do I really mean this" or "hm, I think this might be a little too much even for me," but in general it's all just a game that makes the sex incredible. And frequent. (I love frequent and incredible sex, just sayin'.)
Sometimes, when it's been four days, and I'm feeling antsy, I have to remind myself... it's only been /four days/, not four weeks. I should consider myself lucky compared to some people. And y'know, I /am/ lucky. Goddamn lucky.
I got my formal "come join the staff" letter. And they're paying me 3K more than I thought. And it starts in July, which means health insurance soon! And they're letting me teach a senior level lit course in the spring! A special topics one at that! And I've applied to another conference. This one on sexuality in literature. Of course, I proposed the chapter on Lee Smith, and I haven't /written/ that chapter yet. And the woman reading the entries is a Lee Smith specialist. It could be a disaster, it could be the very thing that motivates me to write that chapter.
Mark got a nice job that will last 8 weeks, and so I will be able to take some time off later this summer to work on the dissertation. We won't talk about the dissertation beyond that. :)
But we're set for a while, money-wise. It feels nice. Soon I will have wedding invitations and dress fabrics and other groovy wedding stuffs.
All in all, I'm ready for September to be here. But it's going to be an interesting year. Married in November. PhD in April. Honeymoon in June. Hopefully new job and the start of a new career by August. Here's to hoping it all works!
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no subject
Date: 2003-06-23 08:08 pm (UTC)By the way, send me whatever info I need re: the wedding? Mostly cause I have no idea what info I need :) Like .. what day should I be there, when I'm looking at plane tickets? What kind of suit or whatever do I need? That kind of thing. Whenever you know it, if it's not all figured out yet.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-23 09:39 pm (UTC)I'm with maribou
Date: 2003-06-23 09:57 pm (UTC)I am very curious about bdsm, it's something I don't know if I would be into, but reading your posts, you make me curious about it. In a good way. :)
no subject
Date: 2003-06-24 01:29 pm (UTC)The other space, on the other hand...
Alas, I'm out of time on this computer! Tune in next time. ;)
(I am at a library. see journal for info.)