Mar. 9th, 2003

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It's not quite my birthday, but it's close enough that I've hit that introspective, reflective period where I can't help but look back on what's come my way in the last uh... certain number of years. :)

Last night we watched Tuck Everlasting which, though it was a fairly sentimental movie aimed at fifteen year old girls, was pretty decent. One of the lessons it teaches though is that people shouldn't be "afraid of dying, but afraid of the life unlived." And of course that got me to thinking, since I'm getting older. And I realized that D was right about something. I feel like, in many ways, he and I, and a few of you I know fairly well, are minorities in some ways.

I live my life to the fullest with every moment that I can. Every moment. I do as much as I can, and I enjoy as much as I can, and I keep striving for more. And I'm really happy. Really happy. So many people these days just seem ... sad and resigned. As if life just hadn't turned out the way they wanted it to, and now they're just resigned to the fact. It's kind of sad in a lot of ways.

I have an old friend who used to be so beautiful and full of passion, and now when I talk to him he seems devoid of anything remotely close to passion. Even when he talks about his "dreams," it's just sort of by rote, it feels. My mother, for years, has been working a job she hates, and has gotten into such a rut that when my father offered her the chance to break free of it and explore the world, her first response was to adamantly fight against it. It took everything he had to get her to even consider it. Because she was so entrenched in her resignation, that she'd forgotten how much she loved to travel and how much she'd loved living overseas once.

I never want to be there. And because it's coming up on my birthday next week, it's a good time to make that promise to myself. I will never let myself become resigned with life. Never. I want always to strive to fill my life with joy and happiness, and if that isn't possible at some point, I will strive to make it possible. I will continue to take pleasure in my love, in my interests, in sex, in good books, in movies, in travelling, in my work, and in my writing. Sure, there are times when I will have to do things I don't /like/, (like all this temp work I have to do!), but I know that I will make sure it /is/ temporary. And I will continue to strive for the next thing.

I remember a time when I had just ended a relationship that had been tempestuous and angry and volatile and filled with passion, and I became really afraid of that kind of emotion. I spent some time trying to become "laid back" and non-emotional. I never wanted to be around people who were going to yell at me and fight with me and hurt me down to the bone. I remember walking away from the bdsm scene for many of the same reasons. But passion, and bdsm for that matter, are still a part of me. I had to learn to stop being afraid of the emotions and the acts themselves, and find creative, joyful ways of expression instead.

I think I have. But I have a lifetime ahead of me to continue. Doc, you're right. It's all about the wonder and amazement.

But, reflections aside, just as an update, I'm doing really well. Extremely well. Despite all the temp work! :) Had a good Mardi Gras, had a great weekend, watched a lot of movies with D and Doc, and got a lot of work done on class stuff /and/ on dissertation research. It's been productive.

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cailj

February 2006

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